Just rollin' with it...

     Something I've really tried to instill in the kids is flexibility.  Being flexible in life...learning how to go with the flow when life throws the changes that inevitable come.  Because they will.  I've never met anyone who has gone through life and it go the way the have it all planned out.  And chances are, there hasn't ever been anyone that hasn't had a curve ball thrown their way now and again.  So far, they've done a great job at adjusting to the changes that they've had to face and the changes they've gone through.  What's funny though, is that those changes never stop.  Even as adults our lives are constantly changing...the curve balls are still thrown our way.
     I am so blessed to have the kids and the family that is capable of handling change the way that they do.  The take everything in stride.  Not to say things don't hurt, or that there aren't setbacks, because they do, and there are.  There's a ton of pain in life, and nobody is exempt.  We've gone through a lot of changes recently; most not a surprise and definitely not bad.  But change is change, and learning to adapt and work with the newness is where the flexibility comes into play.  I am so proud of how we can rally around each other and support each other, because that's what families do.  We work together to make the best of any situation, and really go with the flow.  Going through the adjustment period will take time, but through everything we grow closer and stronger. 
     If everything always stayed the same, we wouldn't learn to rely on God, or each other.  We wouldn't pull together, turn in towards each other, or face adversity or change with the strength that we have been given.  We, as a family, are a team.  We back each other up.  Help each other out.  Not one of us could do it all alone or pull the weight of the other.  All of us have to be flexible or none of this would work out.  In the end, we are learning all about flexibility, grace, and the ultimate meaning of family.  We might not be the "traditional" definition of a family, but then again...when have I ever been "traditional" in anything I do?  

God knows what He's talkin' about

4 But God's mercy is so abundant, and his love for us is so great, 5 that while we were spiritually dead in our disobedience he brought us to life with Christ. It is by God's grace that you have been saved. 6 In our union with Christ Jesus he raised us up with him to rule with him in the heavenly world. 7 He did this to demonstrate for all time to come the extraordinary greatness of his grace in the love he showed us in Christ Jesus. 8-9 For it is by God's grace that you have been saved through faith. It is not the result of your own efforts, but God's gift, so that no one can boast about it. 10 God has made us what we are, and in our union with Christ Jesus he has created us for a life of good deeds, which he has already prepared for us to do. Ephesians 2:4-10


     Today for my devotional, this verse was the focus.  And, like how it usually goes, it fit a current situation to a T.  I know that that's how God works, cause His timing is freaking awesome, but it still gives me the eeby jeebies when He does it.  I love it.  The part of this passage that struck me in the forehead was 4 But God's mercy is so abundant, and his love for us is so great, 5 that while we were spiritually dead in our disobedience he brought us to life with Christ. Yeah it's a good one.
     We all have a past.  That is what makes us who we are.  I'm not proud of the choices I've made; big or small, they all have consequences either immediate or long range that I must deal with.  Some are very painful, and some are just enough to put me back on track.  I am no stranger to these life lessons, both the slap on the wrist kind as well as the life altering ones.  But nobody is.  Not one single person.  I think one of my pet peeves has to be those that have the "better than thou" mentality.  Sadly, those people are a dime a dozen.  Some of these people are those that have never been in church.  I can look over these individuals behavior so much easier than those who have been in a church and who know the message yet choose to not live it.  The fact that God can bring anyone back from spiritual death (don't think you can get any deader than dead...so that's pretty significant to me) says that He forgives it all...and that we should too.  In other words, get over it.  Move on.  We should practice that same grace He has demonstrated for us towards others.  Sadly, that doesn't happen.
     There are too many hurtful words, hateful attitudes, and spiteful actions against other people these days.  I am the first to admit.  I have done all of this myself, and then some.  It's something I have to continually guard myself against to keep from hurting others.  I just have to keep reminding myself that they, like myself, have been extended that same grace that I have and I am expected to walk in that same grace towards others, as well.  I have harbored some deep felt hurt and anger, and until the past few years never really understood the effects it had on me.  Truth be told, I never really cared.  Until I saw the connections between the effects it was having and the outcomes of some of my choices and thought processes.  In doing this study on grace, I am learning that, even though I have let go and forgiven for the hurt and anger, I must recognize that beyond those significant steps of forgiveness, I have to also offer grace.  In my own mind, I have begun to walk through these verses and thank God, putting the person who has offended me in this passage, while I pray for them.  Easy?  Heck no.  Especially when those who do the hurting do so intentionally.  Especially in such a way to cause extreme pain and chaos, in who's lives they touch.  But God sent His son to die for those who make me mad, too.  Even on the days they least deserve it, they truly do.  Because even in the worst of the worst parts of my life; in the worst of my spiritual death, through His abundant mercy and  love so great, I no longer have to stay in that place of darkness.  And I can pray that those who hurt me don't either.    

Losing me

     This may come as a bit of a surprise to some, but I've never really been normal.  Whatever thought process the average, dull person was given at birth, I missed out on.  Now, in my adult years, I'm so grateful for this gift; as a child and teen, not so much.  I always knew I was a little bit different.  Not like I have short bus issues or anything, but I really haven't been one to fit into the mold anyone has wanted to put me in before.  And not different in the "it's time to come out of the closet" way.  (Felt obligated to clear that one up.)  Not so different in the "I feel the need to wear dark makeup and tons of body jewelry and tattoos and be all goth and dark and listen to weird music and read cynical poetry in random coffee houses to be different but yet look the same as everyone else trying to be different" either.  Just different.  Unique.  Not in a tangible, noticeable, or physical way really.  Inside, I felt like I had so much to say, yet when I tried to say it, everyone around me was trying their best to hush me.  Why?  I didn't say it in the way a young girl should say it.  I was opinionated.  Brash at times.  Completely random most other times.  Crazy.  Funny.  There wasn't a lot of thought put into what I was saying or doing; things just sorta were said without my thinking first.  My life was ran by my ungoverned thoughts, feelings, and actions.  At that time, it was completely age appropriate.
     As I moved through life, things changed.  I did grow and mature, but I never really lost that spunk and orneriness.  Problem with that, though, is there were a few select people in my life that just didn't like that part of me.  Funny thing is, those are the very reasons that drew me to these particular individuals, but eventually, those are the qualities and traits that probably caused the most resentment, pain, and hurt in those relationships.  All the eye rolling, head shaking, and down talking does a number to a person's head; all the years of trying to change me really did work.  I was actually told, time after time, that I needed to act like this, or look like that, and I can say I really developed a pretty deep complex from all of that.   Looking back, I became something I swore I never, ever would.  Changed.  Not myself anymore.  I was what everyone else wanted me to be.  It all happened slowly over a period of time; had it been a quick burst of demanded change I would have probably rebelled, as I should have.  But controlling people are smart.  They know how to gain that control and work people...they know it's a process.  And it was a process that I was slowly losing myself in.  Bit by bit.
     So how did I change?  I became someone I wasn't.  I cared what people thought about me too much.  Some concern is good, and natural.  It wasn't ME though.  If I said anything that was funny, or random, I was chided.  I was looked down on, or chastised.  The point was to hurt me, make me feel belittled, and the point was put across by any means necessary.  All in the name of "making me mature".  That's when the real changes in myself started.  My priorities shifted.  I started caring about money.  And what I had.  And the status it gave.  And then I started caring about hiding real life behind the facade of a happy life, like so many do but are afraid to admit to.  It was the snowball effect: every change I felt I had to make for someones happiness, the more the resentment grew.  The anger grew.  The hurt grew.  I was turning into a shell of my self.  All while knowing I would probably never, ever be able to be myself again.  The smile I had hid lots and lots of hurt.  But.  Life happens.  Lessons are learned.  And I've moved ahead.  One thing I am more than grateful for is the opportunities to grow and learn from what I can and where I've been and get back to being me...slowly.  It was a slow process to change into something I wasn't...it's been a slow process getting back.  With the healing love, grace and acceptance of those that really want the best for me and see the beauty in me for what I have to offer, I can slowly learn to trust those that I let the walls down for. 
     Reality hits when you have kids.  I see the beautiful differences the kids have that make them so unique and I want to do everything I can do to protect that in them.  I don't want the world to beat the compassionate heart, kind and gentle spirit, and loving personality out of Jax.  I worry that Jordy will lose her incredible imagination, her free spirit, and insane sense of humor.  They each have gifts that make them unique.  Gifts that God gave them to equip them to fulfill His purpose.  Not to be molded in to some boring, one-size-fits-all.  God is way more creative than that.
     I realize this is long and probably way more drawn out than it needs to be, but it's what I felt like needed to be said.  There's a lot more that could be said; way more to the story and so much between the lines.  I do need to say that this is a culmination of things through my life; not just one person's actions or from one specific period of time.  I don't want any kind of assumptions to be made based on one blog post.

      

Showered by Grace

Now how did I get here?
What have I done to deserve this?
I have been showered by grace
It's a beautiful night
It's a glorious day
When I'm looking at her face

     Those are the words to one of my most favorite songs, probably ever.  You can listen to it...HERE...and see for yourself why I absolutely love everything about it.  There's a line in it, though, that really stands out for me that explains so much.  Probably says a lot about everyone in some point or another, if they would stop and reflect long enough.  "I have been showered by grace".  Grace means a million different things to a million different people.  Google grace, and a bajillion pages pop up; one for every religion, church, and organization that has access to a website.  But ask someone who has lived it, and you get a real definition.
     Last week, we took a family trip to Hobby Lobby, and a sign caught my eye.  It's a simple, rustic, metal wall hanging that simply says it all.  Grace.  I admired it, a lot.  Being Hobby Lobby, it wasn't much money, but being that there are a lot of plans in the works for our future, we passed it up and I didn't think anything more about it.  Fast forward several days, and lo and behold, seeing as how I have the love of the most thoughtful, caring man that pays close attention to what I say, (sorry girls!) I walked in and found the Grace sign that he had bought for me.  Side note: Reason number 3,456,230 why I love him...he takes the time to listen and knows that it's the small things, like knowing I had my eye on a decoration at Hobby Lobby or that I had a rough day and brings me a coke at work, that makes my heart melt.  Anyway...
   We hung the sign up over a window in the living room so that every time I walk in the house, or go through to the kitchen I notice it.  Which has made me really think about the word grace and the truth and meaning behind it.  Had you asked me when I was 6 what grace meant I wouldn't have hesitated to tell you that it meant saying a prayer before we ate supper.  It was a verb; something that was done.  Honestly, I wasn't too far off.  Grace is a form of a verb to me still.  It takes many forms when it's is in action.  Grace is the basic definition that is found in the dictionary: Simple elegance or refinement of movement.  How I have wanted to be called graceful my whole life!  I can bet all my bucks that not too many people have sat around talking about how graceful and refined my movements are; the bruises I still carry around seem to prove the lack of general grace I posses.  Hopefully what I lack in physical grace I can make up for in other areas...such as an attractively polite manner of behaving.  I put a huge importance on manners and social skills, and asking the kids how they feel about my demanding they use the "magic words" and m'ams and sirs will surely bring about some eye rolling.  It's a form of grace that I take very seriously.  But that just scratches the surface.

     What about the intangible meanings?  The ultimate meaning, for me, of grace is acceptance.  We are accepted, by God, without merit and completely undeserved.  Today, tomorrow, regardless of what we do and the choices we make.  Even with our stupidity, God's grace is never based on us.  Never a direct response to our mistakes, or consequences of our actions.  Even though, probably, it should be.  That, to me, is the perfect definition of unconditional love.  Grace gives the freedom to be who we were made to be.  Even if that person is someone who has an excessive amount of quirks and odd ideas...such as myself, perhaps.  Once we are able to realize that nothing we could ever do, regardless of how bad it may seem, could make us run out of grace, we are able to, in turn, pass that grace on to others in our lives.  Showing that kind of grace to kids by giving them the security to know that irregardless of how bad they may mess up, they will always be loved.  Protected.  Fought for.  This doesn't mean there won't be consequences.  Lord knows there are always going to be those.  Kids, adults, dogs...it doesn't matter.  We are all subject to them.  But, here again is where the grace falls in place.  Even when we experience the consequences, because we are loved unconditionally, the lessons we need to learn are never so harsh they kill us.  It may seem that way; sometimes we are as hard headed as a donkey (especially one in present company).
     Because of this grace, we are loved, respected and cherished.  We are given the opportunity to grow, change and learn.  All while being honored and supported for who we are and what we have to offer.  In this gift of grace, whether through the context of a spiritual nature, parental, or a romantic relationship, the basic, underlying theme is acceptance.  First and foremost, the acceptance comes from God in that everything ever done for us has been done in the name of grace.  We could never, ever do anything to deserve one thing God has done for us.  Regardless of your spiritual beliefs, that is the basic, fundamental foundation of His truth.  Once recognized, it's not difficult to see the principle of grace in action in other areas, as well.

Now how did I get here?
What have I done to deserve this?

I have been showered by grace
It's a beautiful night
It's a glorious day
When I'm looking at her face
             
How did I get here?  I know, without a doubt, that I have been showered with grace.  And I have been given the opportunity to be loved, and to love, unconditionally.  In that grace comes freedom.  I am so blessed.