From the Yellow House...

Hey y'all! Hope your weekend is off to a nice start! We here at the yellow house have been busy with the goings on of 6th and 3rd grade, work, and recovery from surgery. And mama is just busy with it all! The big hubbub around these parts is that the sweet husband has had to go through another (his second) shoulder surgery in just over 6 months. And y'all, it's on the same shoulder. He's a real trooper. And unlike this chick, he has managed to still look so danged cute through it all. Figures.
     During the last couple of days I've spent taking care of him, I've had some time to think. Not that I've had a lot of down time, mind you. He IS down to one arm. Try to go to the bathroom with one arm all tied up, and you'll see where I've been needed the last couple of days. I'm a good wife, but I digress... Something that I've been thinking about lately-really it's something that I make a priority-is my marriage. Albeit, we've been married just over a year, but we have faced some unique challenges in our short time married. We also came into our relationship with a background of struggles that have made us who we are, and have given us a starting point from which to base our standards off of. Funny how, at the time we were going through those times, we never thought of them like that. While we can both say that we work to make sure we both experience the butterfly feelings and goosebumps regularly, real life does rear its ugly head and show us who's boss now and again. And with the sweet husband's surgery, it has definitely tried to do just that. But. Instead of giving in to the inevitable stress that this physical issue has brought, I've learned a lot from it. It has been a year now since my sweet husband was injured at work. Long story short...he hurt his leg, took care of business, and went back to work. Fast forward a couple of months and he noticed that his shoulder had been especially stiff and sore. Nothing we tried had worked, so off to the doc he went. Nothing she tried worked, and off to the shoulder doc he went. All the recommendations and physical therapy in the world couldn't cure the torn stuff up in his shoulder. Figuring all of this out took a while, y'all. So off to the operating room he went. But that didn't work. For the last 6 months, he has struggled with constant pain, lack of sleep, frustration, side effects of constant medication, and everything else that you can possibly imagine. It took its toll on him, and on all of us.
I'm not gonna lie here. Some days, he frustrated the living hell outta me. It was hard to maintain the happy wife face while he was suffering. I took it personally when he lashed out from not feeling well. But the next day he would be back to normal. Talk about adding insult to injury (get it??). Looking back over the last year, I can see that we have grown so much closer through this trying period than through the happy, lovey-dovey days that we have. Don't get me wrong, I adore those days...we have plenty of 'em. He is one of the most romantic men out there. But for seeing him at his most vulnerable, doing what I can to make him the most comfortable, being able to care for him and honor him with complete love, I can honestly say that I feel closer to him than ever. Isn't that ultimately what I should be doing anyway? In sickness AND in health? Making sure everything I do brings him ultimate comfort, care, and love? Showing him my love by treating him gently and kindly? Hmm. Something to think about.
Now, this isn't gonna be easy. He will still frustrate the hell outta me. I'm not innocent either, although I know I've gotta be easy-peasy to get along with! Speaking of...sounds like "somebody" needs their pants tied up. Wonder what he would do if I tied them in a double knot next time?? All my best... ~Jennifer (don't forget to follow this blog!!)

Hope Your Valentine's Day is Filled with True Love!

      I read this earlier today...and seeing that it's Valentine's day, it really makes a lot of sense.  So I thought I would share..."I love you BECAUSE.." or "I love you IF.." are both conditional love. "I love you despite.." is unconditional~how God loves you.   
     I've been learning over the last year and a half that how God loves you is how a spouse (or future spouse, depending on where you are in life) should strive to love you.  There's a reason it talks about it through the New Testament.  I have to admit...in years past, I equated the love of Christ as "conditional"...based upon what I was living and the situation during that time.  It was very conditional and performance driven.  But, through God's incredible grace and mercy, I have been blessed to be able to see and experience it all on a much more personal and deeper level.  I see now that real, true love is unconditional.  I know this, because I can get hard to love at times and yet...I'm still loved!
     I see God's true love through the service I get at home.  It's the small, everyday courtesies.  There is not a day that goes by that Sean doesn't do something for me...unasked.  Mind you, if I do need something, he is right there in a heartbeat, completely dependable, and there for me.  Just like my God.  But it's the random, thoughtful things that blow my mind.  When I'm up super early to go work out...my truck is started to warm up.  If there is something we need from the grocery store...it's there in the fridge.  When laundry needs done or dishes washed, they are done without any kind of fit thrown or expectation of anything in return.  I have never met anyone so willing to serve someone else in my life.  Not to mention considerate with gifts.  The flowers all the time...random Cokes...hot baths ready for me and foot rubs after long days.  All without me saying I need them.  He is such a blessing.  And how Christlike he is with showering me with gifts, based on my needs...even before I know I need them.
     When I prayed for someone who was like Christ in so many ways...I never imagined I would get someone like Sean.  And I never fully understood the depth of what that meant.  Seeing that in action has really opened my eyes to the full meaning, and how Christ really does love the Church.  And how Sean...and God...love me unconditionally.  

     So on this Valentine's Day, I want to make sure that I show Sean how appreciative of him that I really am.  Actually I try to show him everyday.  And it's funny how our lives really reflect our walks with Christ.  And how our goals are to show each other just how much we love and appreciate each other, and love each other unconditionally.  I am so in love with him...and our God!  And the blessings He is continually giving us are really blowing our minds!

Just an update...

     Since my Valentine's Day surprise has continued every single night this month...I thought I would give a wee bit o' an update on its progress.  Background: walked in from work on the 31st of January and found balloons lining the stairway...along with lots of Valentine decorations.  Each balloon had a card attached with a day written on the envelope.  The days were numbered 1-14.  I know...lots of beautiful balloons!!  Each night has been a sweet, love related (not always chick flick) movie.  We've got to spend 6 nights (so far) snuggled up on the couch together, enjoying each others company...as well as the kids at a couple of the them.  I've looked forward to them every day...some days it's the only thing I've got to keep me going!!!  So far, here's the list...

The Illusionist ***** (5 stars)  Great one!


Singing in the Rain ***** of course...it's a classic.  Never mind it poured while we watched it.  Added to the ambiance!  Only Sean could do that.

Say Anything ** kinda weird 80's movie...wouldn't really recommend.

My Fair Lady ***** Another Classic.  I'd never seen it.  Everyone should.  Especially since he said I looked like Audry Hepburn.  Massive brownie points.  And lots of extra kisses.
PS I love you **** Total chick flick.  But more brownie points for him for getting it.  He's gooood.

Sleeping Beauty...gotta try this one again.  Hastings gave us a crappy movie and we couldn't watch it.  So this one is a do over.

Tonight's selection...The Ghost and Mrs. Muir.  It's a pretty old movie so it should be interesting!
Each movie is preceded with the sweetest note in the card I have ever read.  And clever, too.  Because inside this sweet note are clues about the movie.  And dang it if he isn't good.  I'm like 3 for 6 on guessing the movie is all.  So here are some pics of the notes.  The messages are gonna be private, just cause they're for me.  Not in a bad, scandalous way, but because they are in a personal, in between us kind of way.  Enjoy!



How sweet are these?!?  Trust me...the notes inside are even sweeter!!





I am so blessed...I look forward to coming home and seeing what he has up his sleeve every evening!



What goes around...

     The title pretty much sums it all up.  It's a general life principle to live by; whatever you do to others probably will (and probably should) come back to you.  Good and bad...some call it Karma...I call it life.  But thankfully in this case, it's all good.  So Valentine's Day is coming up.  Never one to really like this day much in the past, I really didn't have anything in the way of expectations for this year, either.  Gotta love those that ruin holidays for all the others, huh?  Last year was better, but Sean and I hadn't been dating all that long and I was still a bit....guarded.  So anyways...I had known the last couple of days that Mr. Cupid had something up his sleeve for the VDay holiday, I just didn't know exactly what.  But knowing him like I do, I knew it would be good.  And romantic.  Cause that's just how he rolls.  When I walked in from work last night, I was blown away with all he had done for me.  And speechless.  And That. Never. Happens.  Sometimes I think he does stuff like that just to shut me up!  So this is what I walked in to see (sorry it's a bad pic...I will take a better one and upload it later today).

     Each balloon has a note on it with a number...one for the first 13 days of February, ending with something special on the 14th.  Sound familiar?  Like the 25 days of Christmas I did for him in December?  Yep!  Same concept!  Except...each night we are gonna watch a movie together...most of them some kind of obscure movie that has to deal with romance of some sort (it IS February) that he has thought long and hard about to choose.  And each day there will be a clue as to which movie it is.  Brilliant, if you ask me!
 
     Not only am I motivated to get my homework done early, so we will be able to watch the movie together, we get a guaranteed snuggle time on the couch.  Something we all need to make more time for in our busy lives!  And as for the whole what goes around comes around business...I am completely blessed because we have really figured out what works, at least for us, is taking time out of our day to show each other that we are thinking about the other.  Be it a quick, out of the blue text or our ritual board writing we are on a mission to show each other we care.  And that speaks volumes in our relationship.  I'm really starting to love Valentine's Day, now!

Just rollin' with it...

     Something I've really tried to instill in the kids is flexibility.  Being flexible in life...learning how to go with the flow when life throws the changes that inevitable come.  Because they will.  I've never met anyone who has gone through life and it go the way the have it all planned out.  And chances are, there hasn't ever been anyone that hasn't had a curve ball thrown their way now and again.  So far, they've done a great job at adjusting to the changes that they've had to face and the changes they've gone through.  What's funny though, is that those changes never stop.  Even as adults our lives are constantly changing...the curve balls are still thrown our way.
     I am so blessed to have the kids and the family that is capable of handling change the way that they do.  The take everything in stride.  Not to say things don't hurt, or that there aren't setbacks, because they do, and there are.  There's a ton of pain in life, and nobody is exempt.  We've gone through a lot of changes recently; most not a surprise and definitely not bad.  But change is change, and learning to adapt and work with the newness is where the flexibility comes into play.  I am so proud of how we can rally around each other and support each other, because that's what families do.  We work together to make the best of any situation, and really go with the flow.  Going through the adjustment period will take time, but through everything we grow closer and stronger. 
     If everything always stayed the same, we wouldn't learn to rely on God, or each other.  We wouldn't pull together, turn in towards each other, or face adversity or change with the strength that we have been given.  We, as a family, are a team.  We back each other up.  Help each other out.  Not one of us could do it all alone or pull the weight of the other.  All of us have to be flexible or none of this would work out.  In the end, we are learning all about flexibility, grace, and the ultimate meaning of family.  We might not be the "traditional" definition of a family, but then again...when have I ever been "traditional" in anything I do?  

My Christmas Sweet...

     As Christmas is approaching at breakneck speed, I'm winding down the ever popular 25 Days of Christmas.  When I started it, I really wasn't sure how it would go over...being that Sean is a guy and all.  But.  I have to say, that all of this spoiling him and giving him this little extra attention sure has made him happy!  And all it took was just a little bit of my time and some extra planning ahead on my part.  That's it.  And lemme tell ya.  It has been well worth it.  Because it's that proverbial cycle...I invest that time and attention into him...and he does the same into me.
As I've posted before, some days I really went all out, and other days I wrote a note that was really personal and from my heart.  This morning, he woke up to find a jar of Hershey Kisses with a note about how a jar could never hold all of the kisses I will give him in a lifetime.  But at least this was a start.  Simple, but sweet.  Literally.

     Tomorrow's surprise involves lots of candy bars and sweet notes that go along with the candy of choice...hidden all around so that he will find them all through the day and evening.  One side benefit...there is no way on earth he can eat all of this candy by himself.  He's just gotta share!! :)

     So I just found a sweet note in my purse a few seconds ago.  Said something to the effect of I was being thought of at that very moment and how much I was loved.  I am absolutely blessed beyond what words can say.  We don't do these sweet things for each other in order to get anything in return.  In fact, I would still do them even if I never got another thank you from him again.  It's because I love him and it's just one of the ways I can show him...in fact, long after December is over, I plan to keep doing these little surprises for him.  Maybe not every single day, but on a regular basis, at least.
     As Christmas is coming closer, and we celebrate our first holiday as an engaged couple, I've been taking the time to reflect over the last year(s).  I'm sure that our age, experiences, and place in life has a lot to do with how we treat each other, but we have made it a point to not take each other and what we have for granted.  What an incredible feeling to know that I will never be taken advantage of, pushed to the side, or used for his benefit.  That is unconditional love, and to be able to experience it during this Christmas season with the one I love, along with our family, brings a sense of completeness I have never known before.  As I finish up this little gift for Sean that I threw together at the beginning of the month, I have to admit I never thought it would have the effect that it did on me.  Even if all he got out of it was little gifts, treats, and some special nights, I will always continue to make the effort to make him feel special, loved, and appreciated. 

Oh, brother.

     I don't have a big brother.  If I did, I imagine he would be a lot like Jax is towards Jordy.  He pesters, annoys, and all in all pushes her around.  I tell her that when she grows up, nobody in the world will be able to bully her or take advantage of her because of her mean big brother and that all of this being picked on will make her stronger in the end.  Sometimes I get lucky and it dries her tears.  But sometimes, he gets lucky.  Today was his day.

     Today, the four of us enjoyed a decent winters day by playing at a local park.  Yes, even I joined in for some monkey bar time, too.
 


    
     By all accounts, this was actually a nice, fight free afternoon.  Nobody got hurt, and for the most part, they left each other well enough alone.  But I should have known something was up.   


    
     Oh the innocence.  Don't let his sweet smile fool 'ya.  He's up to something.  I'm his mom and nobody knows him like I do.  Poor Jordy doesn't have a clue...

    
     Told ya.  Yep.  That is spit hanging out of his mouth.  Still, Jordy is clueless...and her smile is even bigger.  Probably because Sean and Jax are cracking up.

Warning: If you are the least bit squeamish and boys being boys is something that might not agree with you, look away as you scroll past this next picture.  Trust me.

    
     At least he had the gumption to turn his head away at the last second.  And for that, I am actually kind of surprised.  And still...poor, poor Jordy is unaware of what is transpiring right above her head.

     And here's the one that I think is so funny.  Look at the pride on that boy's face.  His grin is from ear to ear...he is just beaming.  And Jordy hasn't budged. 

Had she known what was going on above her, I think she would have looked something like this:

    

     I was unaware of all of this actually happening until later when I scrolled through the pictures.  Honestly, had I seen what was going on, there would have been an intervention.  I am the mom, after all.  And no funny pictures.

Heeeere fishy fishy!!

     I know I've left out some of the days on the 25 Days of Christmas production currently under way in the abode, so here's the update.  At least a few of the days.  Some of them are just between us, cause that's just how it be.  Yesterday, Sean found that his note that had something to the effect of how he would have to go fishing for his surprise today.  Well...if you knew us, you would know how much we love to fish, either just the two of us or all together with the family.  Apparently, he searched all around the fish tank (wise thinking) and all through the fishing supply closet, too (smart fella).  But his special treat wasn't in either spot.  What he got was pretty cute...if you ask me.  And a surprise, too.  Not what he expected, either.  Since we met at a fish fry, this went along perfectly with "our story".  Here is the gist of the idea...

Yep, my smart readers, they're yummy Swedish Fish!

     To the box of fish I attached a handwritten note saying "Since the day at the fish fry, you've o"fish"ally had my heart!" and put it where he would see it.  Out in the open.  Not hidden amongst the mass o' stuff that is the fishing gear.  He loved it.  And the hard work paid off...cause I got to join in the fun of eating the fish, too.  Cause my baby loves to share. :)
     To follow up with yesterday's fishy theme, today's special surprise was a sweet note (at least in my opinion!) about the actual night we met...at the fish fry.  Get it?  Going with the roll here.  Although, that was totally unplanned.  But it worked out well.  That's how good I am. :)
     And since there's nothing really on the "agenda" for tonight, and it's just the two of us...ahem...I'm thinking maybe supper in and a movie.  No better way to spoil my love and show him how much I appreciate him on a cold, dreary winter's night!

Losing me

     This may come as a bit of a surprise to some, but I've never really been normal.  Whatever thought process the average, dull person was given at birth, I missed out on.  Now, in my adult years, I'm so grateful for this gift; as a child and teen, not so much.  I always knew I was a little bit different.  Not like I have short bus issues or anything, but I really haven't been one to fit into the mold anyone has wanted to put me in before.  And not different in the "it's time to come out of the closet" way.  (Felt obligated to clear that one up.)  Not so different in the "I feel the need to wear dark makeup and tons of body jewelry and tattoos and be all goth and dark and listen to weird music and read cynical poetry in random coffee houses to be different but yet look the same as everyone else trying to be different" either.  Just different.  Unique.  Not in a tangible, noticeable, or physical way really.  Inside, I felt like I had so much to say, yet when I tried to say it, everyone around me was trying their best to hush me.  Why?  I didn't say it in the way a young girl should say it.  I was opinionated.  Brash at times.  Completely random most other times.  Crazy.  Funny.  There wasn't a lot of thought put into what I was saying or doing; things just sorta were said without my thinking first.  My life was ran by my ungoverned thoughts, feelings, and actions.  At that time, it was completely age appropriate.
     As I moved through life, things changed.  I did grow and mature, but I never really lost that spunk and orneriness.  Problem with that, though, is there were a few select people in my life that just didn't like that part of me.  Funny thing is, those are the very reasons that drew me to these particular individuals, but eventually, those are the qualities and traits that probably caused the most resentment, pain, and hurt in those relationships.  All the eye rolling, head shaking, and down talking does a number to a person's head; all the years of trying to change me really did work.  I was actually told, time after time, that I needed to act like this, or look like that, and I can say I really developed a pretty deep complex from all of that.   Looking back, I became something I swore I never, ever would.  Changed.  Not myself anymore.  I was what everyone else wanted me to be.  It all happened slowly over a period of time; had it been a quick burst of demanded change I would have probably rebelled, as I should have.  But controlling people are smart.  They know how to gain that control and work people...they know it's a process.  And it was a process that I was slowly losing myself in.  Bit by bit.
     So how did I change?  I became someone I wasn't.  I cared what people thought about me too much.  Some concern is good, and natural.  It wasn't ME though.  If I said anything that was funny, or random, I was chided.  I was looked down on, or chastised.  The point was to hurt me, make me feel belittled, and the point was put across by any means necessary.  All in the name of "making me mature".  That's when the real changes in myself started.  My priorities shifted.  I started caring about money.  And what I had.  And the status it gave.  And then I started caring about hiding real life behind the facade of a happy life, like so many do but are afraid to admit to.  It was the snowball effect: every change I felt I had to make for someones happiness, the more the resentment grew.  The anger grew.  The hurt grew.  I was turning into a shell of my self.  All while knowing I would probably never, ever be able to be myself again.  The smile I had hid lots and lots of hurt.  But.  Life happens.  Lessons are learned.  And I've moved ahead.  One thing I am more than grateful for is the opportunities to grow and learn from what I can and where I've been and get back to being me...slowly.  It was a slow process to change into something I wasn't...it's been a slow process getting back.  With the healing love, grace and acceptance of those that really want the best for me and see the beauty in me for what I have to offer, I can slowly learn to trust those that I let the walls down for. 
     Reality hits when you have kids.  I see the beautiful differences the kids have that make them so unique and I want to do everything I can do to protect that in them.  I don't want the world to beat the compassionate heart, kind and gentle spirit, and loving personality out of Jax.  I worry that Jordy will lose her incredible imagination, her free spirit, and insane sense of humor.  They each have gifts that make them unique.  Gifts that God gave them to equip them to fulfill His purpose.  Not to be molded in to some boring, one-size-fits-all.  God is way more creative than that.
     I realize this is long and probably way more drawn out than it needs to be, but it's what I felt like needed to be said.  There's a lot more that could be said; way more to the story and so much between the lines.  I do need to say that this is a culmination of things through my life; not just one person's actions or from one specific period of time.  I don't want any kind of assumptions to be made based on one blog post.

      

The first boy to ever steal my heart...

     I'm sure by the title of this blog you're expecting a Harlequin Romance novel.  Something that will make your heart stand still with anticipation...make your blood boil with passion...make the hair on the back of your neck stand up and tingle.  Sorry to disappoint you cause this ain't it.  It is, however, filled with first kisses, dancing in the dark, and spending countless hours talking about hopes and dreams.  It's about listening to fears, both real and absurd.  It's full of being silly, being ourselves and making memories that will be cherished a lifetime.  About putting my hopes, heart, and unconditional love into one single person.  It's all about trusting, without question.  And without any fear or doubts about being hurt.  The kind of love and relationship we all hope and dream about, and so many of us girls pray many countless hours for (Lord knows I have!).
     I will admit.  The first time I laid my eyes on him, he looked a little...well...rough.  Good thing looks aren't everything.  But it was instant.  We had that connection; something there that unless you've felt it, you really can't understand.  He wasn't really paying much attention to me, but I was cool with it.  We had plenty of time to get to know each other.  And we did.  He learned to rely on me to meet his every basic need; I found myself looking to him to fulfill some deep desire to feel loved.  Not that looking to him for love was healthy; sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures.  Our closeness probably was made more intense due to the circumstances under which he came into my life.  There was heartache, turmoil and stress during the months leading up to our meeting, pain that continued well into the years that followed.  But that really didn't matter.  I finally wasn't alone anymore.  We were together in this world; finally I had someone with which I could share this road and journey.  He came into my life at the least expected time; probably the least opportune time really.  If ever there was a time for classic cliche' lines, this would be it: God works in mysterious ways.
    But we lived life.  Every day our love grew stronger and we continued to grow closer.  We spent our nights together, whispering how much I loved him and him returning the love just by the adoring look on his face.  Many, many nights we danced in the dark; the moonlight streaming in the window, bouncing off the furniture to cast shadows across the room.  These are the memories most cherished.  Although we continue to grow closer and our relationship continue to evolve day by day and year to year, we will never dance in the moonlight again.  We are past that.  The middle of the night talks, while they still happen, are fewer and farther between.  There are others who get to hear what is on his mind; they share little pieces of him that were once just mine to have.

The heart stealer

   I'm okay with this, I really am.  This is the way it has to be.  While he will always be my first true love, and he will always be mine, he will have to move on.  He will move on to love someone else; give his heart to that someone that God has already planned for him.  But I want to be the one he talks to about it.  If he will let me.  I have loved him so that he will love others.  Love others with a whole-hearted, no holds barred love, but with a special spot in his heart reserved for me.  Somehow, I really don't think that will ever be a problem...he may never dance in the moonlight with me, but we will always be able to laugh, to talk, to be sill, to be ourselves.

Hey...

         And now back to the task at hand of reflecting...you know when you make a complete ass of yourself and yet, in hindsight, it ends up being a huge turning point in your life?  Background info: I have a real talent for making an ass of myself.  If I could find a way to make some dough from it, I could probably retire by 35 just from my skill of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.  Or the least clever thing when it matters the most.  Like this particular time...
         Scenario: First time Sean and I met.  Here's how the ass moment went down.  The kids and I were at a fish fry (cause that's how we do it around here.  Some people have wine tastings.  We have fish fry's.)  put on by his family that we had been invited too.  The kids and I had been at a pumpkin patch ALL. DAY. LONG. (important background info) and it was a pretty cool, fall day.  After we had gotten there and the kids ran off to play and all settled in and such, I had to pee.  Cause, unlike a wine tasting party, beer makes me pee.  A lot.  So around the corner of the house I walk to go inside.  And lo and behold, stands this really tall and freakin cute and tall fella standing right there.  I say tall cause it seemed like I had to keep looking up to see his face.  And I'm no giant...so everyone is taller than me.  Everyone.  So what does my quick wit and clever sense of flirtation come up with to say?  Hey.  Yeah that's it.  All I said was hey.  And not just a regular hey either.  Remember that the kids and I had been out at a pumpkin patch all day AND it was getting pretty cool by then outside?  So it was a low pitch, manly, gravely sounding hey.  So opposite of anything I would want to sound like at that given moment.  I could see the confusion (?) on his face, as he responded with, what else could he say, hey.  That was it.  Our first words.  And I walked inside.  Cause I had to pee.  Bad.
         Fast forward to present...that moment has brought us quite a few laughs since then.  Usually all that laughter just makes me roll my eyes and thank my heavens that at least I was cute enough for him to get past my manly, gravely, roll outta bed voice.  Obviously, things went on to work out, despite my ass moment.  And trust me, there have been PLENTY more since then.  I'm so thankful he is so forgiving and has such a great sense of humor!

Finding the Joy...in the Sorrow

        This past year has been full of some of the highest highs and lowest lows in my personal life; naturally an emotional girl like me is going to try and find some hidden, deep meaning and purpose in it all.  Spending the extra time that I have on the road these last few months driving back and forth to my mom's (story to follow~one of the major lows) has given me extra time to think and reflect.  Maybe it's the early mornings, or the life changing events, or too much coffee, but I have really been thinking a lot lately about how in the last year my perspective on everything has been changing.   

          As cliche` and downright goofy as this is going to be, and as much as I seriously wanted to avoid sounding like a cheesy self help book, something that I can't get out of my head is how much my attitude has shifted this last year.  Not that much has changed in my circumstances...there are still rough days in the same situations that I faced a year ago.  But where some things resolved themselves, other things developed.  That, in itself, is the nature of life.  (Please refrain from breaking into the "Circle of Life" song now...cause I just did.)  The difference?  I have so much more joy.  I have found an indescribable love; in turn I have found an accepting love for myself that has never been there before.  Along with the love and support and freedom I have found with this love is the ability to trust in God that no matter how badly things might look, I am never alone and there will always be something positive to find....some kind of joy in the sorrow.  

            This principle was really laid out for me recently on my most recent trip back home to be with my mom during her latest round of chemo.  I reluctantly drug myself out of be around 5:30 in the morning, quickly jumped in the shower to wake up and get ready and start the nearly 2 hour drive home.  If you've never sat in a large room full of cancer patients receiving chemo at the same time, it's really nothing to rush home for.  But I knew I needed to be there for my mom, and there is nowhere else I would rather be.  Funny thing happened though.  Instead of begrudgingly dragging myself out of bed, grumbling about how early it was, listening to the alarm rage, I was slowly woke up by the sweetest kisses and words.  After thanking God for the amazing blessing He's given me by sending me the WGB (world's greatest boyfriend), I left the house, in the dark, and opened the truck door to hit the road.  What do I find in the truck?  A fresh bouquet of beautiful, fresh flowers.  Driving along on the turnpike, the sun begins to rise.  I was blessed to witness one of the most beautiful sunrises I have seen.  Normally, I am not awake early enough to catch a sunrise.  Most people who know me well would say I'm not so much of a morning person but I believe that God really had a field day up there that morning cause it was beyond beautiful.  All of these little details of my morning might seem so insignificant to anyone else but me; the joy they brought during a time of struggle and sorrow is very significant.  God has a way of working that, in hindsight, is far beyond anything we can ever comprehend sometimes, and in ways we need at just the right moment.  These little pieces and bits of joy that morning may seem so small that others may overlook them; but I was grasping.  I knew, at some deep level, that I was going to need them.  I've also really began to cherish them...I know that in the future, regardless of how things turn out, with the highest of highs and lowest of lows, there will come a time I will need to rely on them.  

Me and Momma
Mother's Day 2011

          Going to a cancer care center is bittersweet.  On one hand, it's a place where patients get better.  On the flip side of that coin it's a place that makes them very, very sick.  It had been several weeks since I had been there with my mom; my siblings and I rotate and share the time there with mom.  The people that I had met the last time I had been there for her treatment had shown a marked difference, both in appearance and spirit.  Even though it had been, at most, 3 weeks, the physical changes were profound in a few of the patients.  The hair loss was the most obvious change in many; some had even made humorous comments about their bald heads and living with the new changes.  Some had a new greenish yellowish tint to their skin, signaling a downturn in their condition.  There are people old and young, men and women, common and some very rare cancers.  Patients tell stories like I would imagine war vets of wars past would sit around and talk about their scars and quietly talk about long recoveries and learning the new normals of a life after war.  All of this to say that the range of emotions a person feels while sitting there, hour after hour, watching and listening to everything around them is overwhelming at best.  The deflating time, as I call it, on the drive home can be extremely emotional and teary.  But I digress.  Going with the joy in the sorrow theme I had been trying to focus on that particular day, I made it a point to remain positive and not let the emotion of the situation bring me down.  Yes, it was possible that my mom would be one of the ones that could go downhill, and fast.  Her cancer is pretty advanced and particularly aggressive.  I'm not naive; one of my personality traits is having to know the reality of a situation.  Knowing that 1 out of 3 women survive to 5 years isn't the greatest odds; but it's something.  The joy in this sorrow?  She's still here.  She can be that 1 out of 3.  She is a very strong woman who has made it through a lifetime of challenges that would put many people out of commission...and she's still kickin'.  With a very strong and spunky attitude too.  With every drip of the chemo and every push of the medication into her arteries, it's one more cancer cell that is being attacked.  Yes, one more good cell and organ being damaged.  But with every drip is life, and with that life is one more second she is here.  That is the joy of this sorrow.

           Cancer sucks.  But there is good that comes from the pain.  There is always joy is the sorrow we are in...if we choose to look for it.