I'm home sick today with a fever, and general yuckiness...needless to say I'm already bored and it's only 10:30. I've already napped and there is absolutely nothing on daytime TV...well nothing but trashy stuff. Anyways. At the moment, I have CMT on and have been dozing off and on (forgive me if this makes no sense at all....blame it on the illness) and the song "All Your Life" by The Band Perry just came on a bit ago. I love that song...if you've never heard it before, then click HERE to get it. Love it. Anyways, there's a line that says "Would you catch a couple thousand fireflies...put 'em in a lamp to light my world?"
That line opened my eyes to a lesson I needed reminded of...in a good way. I had jumped into the shower one day this past weekend, and when I was done, happened to peek over the landing to Sean and the kiddos who were downstairs. That song was on, and I overheard Sean tell Jax "One day, I'm going to catch a couple thousand fireflies for your mom." Wow. Talk about one of those moments that take your breath away. And I really couldn't say anything cause I was in my towel and all...plus I didn't want them to think I was checking in on them! I was in a perfect place at a perfect time. It just reminded me, though, of how much we are being watched, whether we know it or not. Good, bad, and ugly, all of my actions and words can...and will...be seen and heard. I did tell Sean later that I heard what he said, and by the surprised look and blushing on his face, he certainly didn't intend for me to hear that. How many things do we do and say that we don't intend for others to see or hear? I know I am very guilty of this one; I have kids looking up to me, and I really need to be accountable for all they see me do and hear me say. I'm notorious for the smarty pants comments under my breath, and Jaxton has definitely picked up on that skill from me. While it's not a necessarily bad quality to have, it doesn't need to be used for negative. Cause let's be honest...our funny, on the spot remarks is what makes us lovable!!
I know that Sean will probably kill me (not literally, only with love!) for putting what he said in my blog, but since I got to use it for a good lesson, I'm sure he will understand...funny how lessons are in little things all over the place. Such is life!
Showing posts with label lessons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lessons. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Losing me
This may come as a bit of a surprise to some, but I've never really been normal. Whatever thought process the average, dull person was given at birth, I missed out on. Now, in my adult years, I'm so grateful for this gift; as a child and teen, not so much. I always knew I was a little bit different. Not like I have short bus issues or anything, but I really haven't been one to fit into the mold anyone has wanted to put me in before. And not different in the "it's time to come out of the closet" way. (Felt obligated to clear that one up.) Not so different in the "I feel the need to wear dark makeup and tons of body jewelry and tattoos and be all goth and dark and listen to weird music and read cynical poetry in random coffee houses to be different but yet look the same as everyone else trying to be different" either. Just different. Unique. Not in a tangible, noticeable, or physical way really. Inside, I felt like I had so much to say, yet when I tried to say it, everyone around me was trying their best to hush me. Why? I didn't say it in the way a young girl should say it. I was opinionated. Brash at times. Completely random most other times. Crazy. Funny. There wasn't a lot of thought put into what I was saying or doing; things just sorta were said without my thinking first. My life was ran by my ungoverned thoughts, feelings, and actions. At that time, it was completely age appropriate.
As I moved through life, things changed. I did grow and mature, but I never really lost that spunk and orneriness. Problem with that, though, is there were a few select people in my life that just didn't like that part of me. Funny thing is, those are the very reasons that drew me to these particular individuals, but eventually, those are the qualities and traits that probably caused the most resentment, pain, and hurt in those relationships. All the eye rolling, head shaking, and down talking does a number to a person's head; all the years of trying to change me really did work. I was actually told, time after time, that I needed to act like this, or look like that, and I can say I really developed a pretty deep complex from all of that. Looking back, I became something I swore I never, ever would. Changed. Not myself anymore. I was what everyone else wanted me to be. It all happened slowly over a period of time; had it been a quick burst of demanded change I would have probably rebelled, as I should have. But controlling people are smart. They know how to gain that control and work people...they know it's a process. And it was a process that I was slowly losing myself in. Bit by bit.
So how did I change? I became someone I wasn't. I cared what people thought about me too much. Some concern is good, and natural. It wasn't ME though. If I said anything that was funny, or random, I was chided. I was looked down on, or chastised. The point was to hurt me, make me feel belittled, and the point was put across by any means necessary. All in the name of "making me mature". That's when the real changes in myself started. My priorities shifted. I started caring about money. And what I had. And the status it gave. And then I started caring about hiding real life behind the facade of a happy life, like so many do but are afraid to admit to. It was the snowball effect: every change I felt I had to make for someones happiness, the more the resentment grew. The anger grew. The hurt grew. I was turning into a shell of my self. All while knowing I would probably never, ever be able to be myself again. The smile I had hid lots and lots of hurt. But. Life happens. Lessons are learned. And I've moved ahead. One thing I am more than grateful for is the opportunities to grow and learn from what I can and where I've been and get back to being me...slowly. It was a slow process to change into something I wasn't...it's been a slow process getting back. With the healing love, grace and acceptance of those that really want the best for me and see the beauty in me for what I have to offer, I can slowly learn to trust those that I let the walls down for.
Reality hits when you have kids. I see the beautiful differences the kids have that make them so unique and I want to do everything I can do to protect that in them. I don't want the world to beat the compassionate heart, kind and gentle spirit, and loving personality out of Jax. I worry that Jordy will lose her incredible imagination, her free spirit, and insane sense of humor. They each have gifts that make them unique. Gifts that God gave them to equip them to fulfill His purpose. Not to be molded in to some boring, one-size-fits-all. God is way more creative than that.
I realize this is long and probably way more drawn out than it needs to be, but it's what I felt like needed to be said. There's a lot more that could be said; way more to the story and so much between the lines. I do need to say that this is a culmination of things through my life; not just one person's actions or from one specific period of time. I don't want any kind of assumptions to be made based on one blog post.
As I moved through life, things changed. I did grow and mature, but I never really lost that spunk and orneriness. Problem with that, though, is there were a few select people in my life that just didn't like that part of me. Funny thing is, those are the very reasons that drew me to these particular individuals, but eventually, those are the qualities and traits that probably caused the most resentment, pain, and hurt in those relationships. All the eye rolling, head shaking, and down talking does a number to a person's head; all the years of trying to change me really did work. I was actually told, time after time, that I needed to act like this, or look like that, and I can say I really developed a pretty deep complex from all of that. Looking back, I became something I swore I never, ever would. Changed. Not myself anymore. I was what everyone else wanted me to be. It all happened slowly over a period of time; had it been a quick burst of demanded change I would have probably rebelled, as I should have. But controlling people are smart. They know how to gain that control and work people...they know it's a process. And it was a process that I was slowly losing myself in. Bit by bit.
So how did I change? I became someone I wasn't. I cared what people thought about me too much. Some concern is good, and natural. It wasn't ME though. If I said anything that was funny, or random, I was chided. I was looked down on, or chastised. The point was to hurt me, make me feel belittled, and the point was put across by any means necessary. All in the name of "making me mature". That's when the real changes in myself started. My priorities shifted. I started caring about money. And what I had. And the status it gave. And then I started caring about hiding real life behind the facade of a happy life, like so many do but are afraid to admit to. It was the snowball effect: every change I felt I had to make for someones happiness, the more the resentment grew. The anger grew. The hurt grew. I was turning into a shell of my self. All while knowing I would probably never, ever be able to be myself again. The smile I had hid lots and lots of hurt. But. Life happens. Lessons are learned. And I've moved ahead. One thing I am more than grateful for is the opportunities to grow and learn from what I can and where I've been and get back to being me...slowly. It was a slow process to change into something I wasn't...it's been a slow process getting back. With the healing love, grace and acceptance of those that really want the best for me and see the beauty in me for what I have to offer, I can slowly learn to trust those that I let the walls down for.
Reality hits when you have kids. I see the beautiful differences the kids have that make them so unique and I want to do everything I can do to protect that in them. I don't want the world to beat the compassionate heart, kind and gentle spirit, and loving personality out of Jax. I worry that Jordy will lose her incredible imagination, her free spirit, and insane sense of humor. They each have gifts that make them unique. Gifts that God gave them to equip them to fulfill His purpose. Not to be molded in to some boring, one-size-fits-all. God is way more creative than that.
I realize this is long and probably way more drawn out than it needs to be, but it's what I felt like needed to be said. There's a lot more that could be said; way more to the story and so much between the lines. I do need to say that this is a culmination of things through my life; not just one person's actions or from one specific period of time. I don't want any kind of assumptions to be made based on one blog post.
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